Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in Marge's LiveJournal:

Monday, June 14th, 2004
8:41 pm	Toxic Parents I need to read that book again because I've forgotten most of it. Maybe I never read it? Maybe someone suggested I read it. I think that's it some counselor recommended it to me. I know what it means. It's my family. I think because I'm not blood related it makes it easier for me in some ways. I can say "at least I won't be passing their crazy blood down the line" but then I think "my blood is just as crazy as theirs." It's really lonely to grow up the way I grew up. I remember my mother saying about her own childhood "I grew up hard." I wanted to should back "I grew up hard too!!" She said that because some animal that will remain nameless would get into their house & they'd have to kill it. Now that would have been really awful.......but the emotional shit I've gone through I think is worse! I feel sort of bad I can't feel sorry for my mother because she's been an idiot all her life! She married early and had a child early. I'm assuming she left it with the father because she didn't keep it with her. I only became aware recently that she indeed had a real live other child. I remember her making some comment when I was six or seven about "they took him away." I remember telling some teacher that at school and the teacher having a shocked look on their face. It came up because we were discussing family members. I remember lying saying I had brothers & sisters. As it turns out I wasn't too far off. I hope my parents don't hate me but isn't that the way things turn out!! I have these visions of my children. I'll be there to introduce them to certain sports and activities. I remember watching "Show Biz Mom's & Dad's." That was horror upon horror. I remember the little black girl in ballet class. It's like she's never seen a real ballet. A person can just watch a ballet and have a sense of it. But that little girl had no grace at all. It was sad to see. That whole mother/daughter relationship was sad. That mother really was awful!!! She made some comment that she wanted her daughter to be a "leader not a follower." That's awful!!! It's one thing to say "think for yourself and do what's right." But not every damn person is cut out to be a "leader" and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I remember Oprah saying years ago that "our parents did the best they knew how." That's total bullshit. Most of our parents did what they felt was most fun or best for themselves. Children be damned! I hope my children hold the love for me that I hope they do. But hey if they grow up hating me it won't be any different than my relationship with my mother. It doesn't feel good to hate your mother. I felt validated with a friend or two would be with my mother & I and they'd see how she treated me. They agreed she wasn't right. In many ways I got off easy. My parents didn't know when the report cards came out. It was up to me to show it or not. I usually did. I never got punished for anything either. They may say about a D grade "do you think you can do better." I don't remember what my response was. I remember being hungry for knowledge. I remember wanting to write in cursive so much. I remember scribbling on paper & asking if I'd made a letter. I believe I made e's at the least but my sibling would always say no that I didn't make any letter. It's sad when you have to cut your family out. When I see famiies that actually have birthday parties and actually talk to each other on a daily basis I just can't believe it. (Comment on this)
8:29 pm	....blah I suppose I should concentrate on happy things. I'm so hostile on here! I guess when I'm here this is one of the only places I can complain. I was talking to someone about my family situation today. Of course I didn't share this view with them. I think when a person grows up with a parent who makes them feel like shit or that their opinion doesn't count it's hard to have a healthy relationship from there. When you push that crap under the rug it still piles up. You can put shit eating grins on your faces but in the end it's still shit! When you come to a point where you say "I will no longer allow you to treat me like that." That is when you make progress. Sure it's "sad" to have to cut the ties with a parent but if that parent is truly toxic I think that's a different story. This person I was talking to has children who are drug addicted, unmarried and with children with people they didn't marry. I don't feel bad for those kids. They made the choices they did. I think this person I'm talking about is wonderful to put themself out there to be open to these children. For whatever reason they feel the need to do that. This person told me one of those children may not be blood related......to me that's just strange. Understandable but you'd think before you bond with a child like that you'd get the legal situation cleared up. So I'm protecting myself. I've never felt with either of my parents that I could hold their hand or put my head on their shoulder. I've been dying for that!! Now I feel it's too late for them. But I don't think it's too late for me to foster that with my own children who are yet unborn. I do feel I'll respect their boundaries BUT I want to have that physical relationship. I want my child to always feel they can come sit on my lap or snuggle in my bed. This brings up an interesting situation. I know of someone else whose children sleep in their bed. On the one hand I appreciate that type of hands on sort of thing but I also feel that can destroy the parental relationship. So I'm torn. In my SO's culture it's perfectly natural for the children to sleep in the parents bed or room. I think there's a distinction between a child who's manipulating for attention and a child who craves that type of nuturing. When I heard this I sort of felt that the child were pathetic. Of course I have to remember back to my own childhood how I'd cry out in the night when I got afraid of shadows. My mother would yell back a threat about sending me to a doctor. It was a threat! My mother may say she misses me but how can you miss someone you've never known? I've tried again and again only to be refused so I quit reaching out. I'm better than that! (Comment on this)
8:21 pm	What can I say? I need money!!!!! I don't want to say too much. I'm trying to make some more but it doesn't seem to happen. I guess I just have to keep trying but what can you do? You do something that requires a bit of money to make money & in the end you wind up spending more than you make! (Comment on this)
6:48 pm	Diets! Screw all of that low carb no carb crap!! It's all bullshit! I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want! I know how to starve. It's so overrated! It used to be sad how people would overlook me because I'm fat. But at least people know I'm eating! Oh GOD I'm remembering a comment someone made to me. It was so fucking rude!!! I'm trying to block it out. So from diets to eBay. They posted some new RULES & REGULATIONS. I'm just so pissed! It's bullshit! I'm a small potatos kind of person. It bothers me that most of the people on there don't care about all of the new regulations. People just obey like sheep & hand them money. It's also fucking sad that other auction sites can't compare! I'm going to post some alternatives in the hopes that people will go there and actually bid. eBay is just too big & too greedy! http://www.sellyouritem.com/MemberDriven.html It's so sad because it looks like there are tons of people trying to escape eBay but alas there are no bidders. I just found another alternative http://www.laundromatic.net/newauction/userpage.php?id=493570958628319327843 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
8:26 pm	Single Parenting Now here’s how I feel. I have no sympathy for this INDIVIDUAL I’m referring to. This person said to me something like “did you ever know someone who you knew wasn’t good for you but you were drawn to them?” OK fine. There’s nothing wrong with having a relationship with a person. Where I draw the line is when this person who is drawn to another person doesn’t practice birth control, gets pregnant then pulls the “I’m a single parent sympathy card” when the kitchen gets a little too hot. I have no sympathy for that person. I suppose I feel proud of that person for not having had an abortion. I sincerely hope that people who do this one day get a clue and decide that they need to develop some parenting skills. Christians have no qualms at telling the entire world if they don’t believe how they believe they’re going to hell so why am I struggling with my views? There are many studies that state if a woman is in a marriage her standard of living is boosted. The children of a married couple live longer. I can go on and on. I’m anti single parenting by choice. I grew up in a single parent home. I don’t want to duplicate that. I know that not everyone has the ability to select a mate who’s suitable. I know that if the average man marries straight out of high school he’s bound at age 29 to look up and mourn his lost youth. If he’s like every other average male he’ll divorce his stay at home wife and leave her with their child. It’s pathetic. Does the woman in this situation have any responsibility. I think so. Why is it so hard for women to pick men who actually want to stick around? A child has a better chance in life if his or her parents are in a stable reasonably happy marriage. Period! Of course most people don’t have that! But why not strive for it? That’s all I’m saying. Why handicap yourself and your child? Even Oprah Winfrey doesn’t feel it would be fair to have children. I have an issue with this also she’s a billionaire!! If she wanted she could tote that baby on her knee when she does her shows! She could even take a huge amount of time off while she parents. When I say “single parents” I am NOT referring to people whose spouse has died. I know I’m so full of myself. But I can be this is my journal and I can write what I want. My life isn’t perfect but I do feel I’ve found the perfect mate for me. But I suppose all evil men do this. They say “sure I support you. Stay at home if you want.” Then down the road they get bored with you and file for divorce. My world wouldn’t end if that happened but I’ve done all I can to pick a mate who I don’t feel would run away at the drop of a hat. Some men out there still know how to be men and stand up to their responsibilities. I remember running across a man online who was unhappily married. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he didn’t just get a divorce. But he’s from the heritage where you don’t run from your responsibilities. Of course I don’t recommend being miserable for the rest of your life either. But it was nice to run across at least one man who wasn’t so quick to run to a divorce lawyer. I heard some radio segment that lamented the rate of African American getting abortions. I have a hard time saying that all children should be born especially when their own mothers don’t feel they can care for them. We all know most people don’t want to adopt an African American child. They’d rather fly to Russia or dupe some Caucasian teenager into handing her baby over. Well now that I’ve probably roundly offended all I’ll post this. (Comment on this)